Posted by jen (38.196.89.2) on August 04, 1999 at 14:41:48:
I just visited Dr. Robbins website, saw what he said about feverfew and ordered some for Bryan, simply b/c it's all-natural and can't hurt. Well I just got off the phone w/Bryan and now I'm in tears. I don't know what to do anymore! Before I could even get the word "feverfew" out of my mouth he was saying, "No, no, no & no. I took it before and it didn't help." So I asked how long he'd taken it. He wouldn't give me a straight answer, just started getting very loud and stubborn. "It doesn't matter if I took it for a day or a year. It doesn't work. It's all a big hoaz. It's snake oil." "Well how come drs. recommend it then?" I asked. "What doctors?" he demanded. "Dr. Lawrence Robbins. I visited his website..." "Oh, that guy is a crock. He's the guy who put me on methadone and then took me off it w/o even tapering it off. It almost killed me. He's the only dr. I've ever considered suing." Well GREAT. JUST GREAT. I've known Bryan for almost 8 months now and I am so much in love with him, but how am I supposed to know every doctor he's seen. It doesn't matter what I suggest, where I get it from, or who recommended it, according to Bryan IT'S ALL BULLSHIT. This past Friday, during that terrible heat wave we had here in Chicago, the power went out. We had no air conditioning, no fans, no light, etc. Needless to say we were both extremely CRABBY. Nothin' to do but argue. I know I get too much like a mom at times (even tho I'm only 24 and he's 30, I still feel very much like I'm the parental figure in the relationship), but I just started laying into him I guess, about all the stuff I feel like he could be doing to help take of himself (reduce his smoking--can you believe he's up to almost 3 packs a day!?!?!), try the water treatment (his response to that BTW? You guessed it. "BULL SHIT"), keep his attitude more on the positive side, etc. Maybe I came on a little too strong but it's only b/c I love him and if I didn't take some initiative no one would. Sometimes I feel almost like he wants to be a martyr for the CH cause or something. He's so hell-bent on keeping these things around. In the heat of our argument (which best of all took place in the Windy City Gyros, one of the few places in our neighborhood w/electricity) so the entire clientele got to see me cry and then watch as my boyfriend stormed out on me, leaving me behind with a cheese dog and soggy fries) he told me he knew it wouldn't do him any good to even become involved in this website b/c what affect can talking to other sick people possibly have on his headaches? It's like he's trying to prove to me that since he's had ten years of experience w/these things, I'm Little Miss Novice and since nothing has ever worked and nothing ever WILL work, I might as well give up too. But when I accuse him of giving up, he becomes even more irate and asks how I could possibly think he was giving up! Maybe b/c he won't take vitamins, won't quit smoking, won't drink water, won't eat vegatables, won't try new meds, won't go to the dr., won't research insurance companies and find a carrier who will deal w/pre-existing conditions, won't log on to CH.com, won't let his girlfriend help him, won't listen to any advice, no matter who it comes from, won't see a neurologist....the list goes on and on. I asked him when he last saw a neurologist. Shackles up immediately. "I don't need a neurologist! My headaches have nothing to do with my brain! They're caused by my jaw problems and the arthritis in my neck!" Oh, so now we know how to diagnose ourselves. So go to a jaw doctor! "I can't afford it!" "Get insurance!" "No insurance company will insure me!" "You've called every insurance company in the country?" "I've called enough! Trust me, I'm the one who's had these headaches for 10 years. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!" And so it goes. It doesn't matter how much research I do, he's either already tried it, or knows for a fact (just b/c he KNOWS) it won't work. I'm really beginning to feel alienated. NTM that he's an atheist, so when I pray out loud for him he finds it rather humorous. Now that I've ranted, I should make it clear that when he's not having a CH, which does happen sometimes, and when we're not talking about CH, he's the biggest sweetie in the whole wide world. It's just these DAMN headaches. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't think I'm up for the job of supporter. Margi, Karla, Fran, Paula, Glenn, all you CHers out of your cycles, HELP!!! I'm at the end of my rope. Somehow I always seem to find another rope, but what happens when I run out of ropes? And now I have to sit here at work waiting and hoping he'll call back...I told him I ordered the feverfew for him and it started a repeat mini-version of Friday night. Thanks for listening everybody.
Prayers,
Jen