Posted by Georgia (64.209.30.81) on June 27, 2001 at 05:26:36:
Hi. My name is Georgia and I am a clusterhead. I started about three years ago. Cluster headaches have made my life unmanageable. All of my relationships have fallen apart or are falling apart because of this disease. Sometimes I think I am losing my mind. This beast is out of control. I try to just walk away, but it doesnt seem to work. I am here because I need help. I admit that I have a problem. OK? There. I admit it. Denial is not only the longest river in Egypt....I hate cluster headaches. I hate them. I hate them. The other night I was talking to a friend when the beast got the urge to visit. I scrambled through my cupboard to find anything that would help, since I have no insurance and no money since it all went into bottles of drugs. I found some Stadol and took some. I stopped taking it a while back because of the nasty side effects, but I was desperate. I only remember about five minutes after that. I woke up soaked with blood. It seems that I had a little accident, as in I fell flat on my face, while on the phone, and cut my lip and my leg open right before I passed out for about 15 minutes. It brought my friend to tears and he was about to call for help when I woke up. He says that I crawled to bed. I have no idea what really happened. Just another lovely night dancing with the beast. My muscles still hurt from the fall, but it is my head that really fucking bothers me. I know I am rambling, but..but...I am sleep deprived and I hate cluster headaches. Then there is this other friend who is convinced that I don't care anymore because I don't call. Then there is the friend who thinks I hate her because I dont answer my phone. I have always said that I refuse to be a prisoner in my house or in my head to this fucking beast...but guess what? He has taken me hostage and I just can't seem to break free. Did I mention that I can't find a job either because of my absentee record at my last job? Did I mention that my kind parents were sweet enough to pay me for mowing their lawn and then fired my ass because I didn't mow it when I could have simply because of a cluster headache? Did I mention that my mother is mad at me because my gusto for life is gone? Did I mention that I contacted this researcher and he seems very interested and keeps emailing me back and yet I have not written back to him because all I can think to say is...I HATE THESE FUCKING HEADACHES. Did I mention that I hate these fucking headaches? Oh good. Don't want to forget that one. I have no idea what the hell I am saying. I just don't want to deal anymore. Is there something we did to deserve this?? Is there something these little tiny babies did to deserve cluster headaches? Does this god not hear our cries? I just dont get it. I am just baffled and tired and too afraid to lay down. I have bruises on my forehead from beating my head. I am convinced that if I could just pluck my eyeball out with a spoon or with my fingers, then I could reach the pain..like an itch I want to scratch but can't reach. I hear they can just pop these things back in anyway. God I hope no one is reading this....I want to scream at the top of my lungs...you will not win you bastard!!! But he has won and he knows it. I surrender. I give up. White flag is a waving...but he still does not stop!!!! What is a girl to do???? I used to be a happy girl. People used to say I was a ray of sunshine. Now all I am is pain. Pain to myself, pain to everyone that loves me, just constant fucking pain. I beg of you, those who know me, those who love me, run for your lives. Stay away. I will only bring you pain. Run before it is too late.
Godspeed.