Posted by Teresa (64.12.105.43) on August 07, 2001 at 06:52:33:
I'm sitting here like a ticking time bomb, I don't know when it's going to hit, but I know it is coming. I felt the first few warning pains just yesterday, and I know the clusters are getting ready to rear their ugly head. I had nightmares last night when I did sleep, I actually dreamed about the quickest and most painless way to kill myself when the pain becomes so unbearable I can't take it. Of course nothing could be as painful as what I will be living with in a few days or weeks. I wake up and look at the face of my new son and realize I could never do that to him, since I lost my own mother a few years ago, and my brother. I don't know where I will find the strength to deal with it this year. You see, I have an added bonus this year, I have a crushed nerve in my hip that is causing me to have sciatica. For months now I thought that pain was unbearable, but after yesterday I realized it doesn't even compare to the hell I'm about to suffer. I don't know where I will find the strenth to make it through months of mind exploding cluster headaches. You know what I dread the most? Having to go to my doctor and try to explain to them what is going on. You can see the look in their eyes and the doubt on their faces. Last year they tried to help for about two weeks, and after that I think they just labeled me as a drug seeker and started doubting me. They never see the real hell I go through since they mostly hit at night, and if it does come during the day, how the hell am I supposed to load up three kids in the car and drive to a doctor's office without killing us all? My husband just started a new job, and he can't miss work, we are just now getting decent medical insurance on September 1st. Not soon enough for this though. The demons aren't going to wait for the medical insurance to kick in. I do have a state funded plan right now, for what it's worth. That means I can only go to the one doctor, the one who isn't knowledgable enough to know what the hell a cluster headache is and basically wrote me off last year to suffer for weeks. I wish I could have three wishes, and I would first wish that all the doctor's , and escpecially the damn nurse practioner would get struck down with just one CH,that would knock them to the floor and make them beat their head on the wall. Then they would truly know what it feels like to want to die; death would be a welcome relief from the unbearable pain, because I think that is the only way to ever get rid of the demons I have been cursed with. Of all the pain I have had in my life, including natural childbirth, broken bones,and this nerve damage, none even compare with these clusters. One thing I absolutely hate is everyone nowdays think they have cluster headaches. Two of my firends were diagnosed with this in the past year. They come over rubbinng their foreheads saying,oh,I think I have another cluster headache, then make their way to the mall or whatever. I think to myself, you don't have a CH, you are not pacing and screaming and wanting to throw your head through the window. They don't know what true hell really is. It took me about 5 years to even get a diagnosis and now the docs are throwing thisout to anyone that has a migraine. I just want to scream and choke someone, anyone, to get them to realize what this is, no one understands, and I feel so alone. If you haven't lived through it, you could never ever begin to scratch the surface of how much pain I will be forced to live with in the following weeks. I am literally scared out of my wits trying to figure out how to survive it. If anyone has any advice, I am open to it. I found this website last year. Before that I didn't think anyone really understood, but noew Iknow there are people out there just like me that have been cursed with this hell. I'm open to any suggestions, since I will basically be on my own. I go for a surgical consult in a few weeks for my piriformis syndrom(the cause of my sciatica) All I can figure is I'd better not be having any surgeries until the CH are gone. What if Ihad one flare up on the operating table? I don't think any anethesia would keep the pain away. Thanks for letting me vent my terror and my anger, it's nice to have a place to do it. I would say a prayer for everyone, but I've learned one thing in the past 13 years, God can't help with these. I only pray He gives me enough strength to make it through it. What did I ever do in my life to deserve this?!!!!