Posted by Jonathan Poulter on October 22, 1998 at 09:17:14:
That's it everyone, I've reached the end of the strength line.
I've been trying so hard to be positive about this, but I just don't have the strength
anymore.. A year and several months of chronic headaches everyday twice a day, unless I take drugs
that either screw up my mind or make me so shattered that I get sick at the drop of a hat.
My lover is dropping me after a year and 8 months because he (yes that's he, I hope none of you take offence to that) can't stand watching me go through the pain, or dealing with the bouts of paranoia and serious depression that I suffer from. If my affliction is enough to cause me to screw my love life up then what's the point. At least I had someone to cry on some one to believe in, something to believe in (US)... Now I don't seem to have that.. I just destroyed the relationship because of my own mood swings and mental instability. It's affected my work. I can hardly sleep, let alone get up again in the morning. I can't stand it. I'm going to see a counselor,, but even that seems like a waist of time.
No amount of counseling is going to take away the pain. It might help with the mood swings, but I doubt it. I know me, and I know the mood swings and depression is caused by a combination of the drugs and fatigue from constant headaches.
I know I've always said to others be strong, fight because we need you to, but I'm tired and I want to forget. I want to sleep, I want to be free of the pain, both physically and physiologically. My body and mind are giving up on me, and I can see no way of stopping them. I need to let go. It's not that I don't love my family/friends or that I don't feel loved by them. It's just I don't want to live with this pain alone, and if I can't maintain a relationship because I am so fucked up that I screw it up, what is the point.. Straight or Gay you need love to live, not just family or friendship love, but love from another person, from your soul mate/lover/partner in crime. I'm destroying everything and the clusters are destroying me.
I know I shouldn't let it. But as I said, I'm out of power. I'm 26 years on and I look a lot older, I've lost all my body weight, my eyes always have bags under them,
I look ill, I feel ill. This isn't a life!
Sorry to let those of you who have read my earlier posts down, sorry to all of you. I can appear a lot stronger than I really am.
I hope you find hope.
Sorry again
Jonathan.