Posted by jonny (66.31.234.108) on December 10, 2001 at 17:29:11:
If Santa answered his mail honestly...
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in
lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn
to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell!
Santa
**************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I
ask for is peace and joy in the world for
everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they?
Santa
**************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for
Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back
together.
Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up
to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly?
It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos
instead.
Santa
****************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some
G.I.
Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet
you're gay.
Santa
*****************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I
left carrots for your reindeer outside the back
door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer
fart
in my face when iding in the sleigh. You want to
do me
a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
********************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low
budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly
and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while
losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted
to
know.
Santa
*******************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know
when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica,
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in
whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
******************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please
please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney, begging shit may work with your
folks,
but that crap work with me. You're getting a
sweater
...again.
Santa
********************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house.
How do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
you're getting your ass whipped at school.
Second,
you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment
complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa