Posted by VWM on March 23, 1999 at 01:28:30:
In Reply to: suicide and other stray thoughts posted by brianj on March 22, 1999 at 02:20:09:
Brianj:
Stop those thoughts now! We're all here to help you, we're the only ones that know what each of us go through!
Yes, I have thought of suicide while in the deepest depression from the pain. Those times when I'm out of Imitrex, have no money to buy it anyway, and the pain seems to go on forever, with no end in sight.
I've been chronic with these things for the past 3 years now, one or two each and every day. I've tried every medication out there. I gulp Cafergot like M&M's, suck O2 like there's no other breathable air around, squirt Lidocaine like a junkie, and scrimp and save on Imitrex as if it were gold. My social life is non-existant, what woman would want to stay around a man who ends up on the floor crying like a baby over "a headache"!
I can end it very easy. As a cop, I have a handgun with me virtually 24 hours a day. As I type this, it's laying on the desk behind me. Right now, I have the "Shadow" from a bad one earlier tonight (which by the way was my birthday - I celebrated with dinner with my family followed by a CH!). It would be so easy to pull the trigger, all the pain would be gone - or would it? I don't know what's next, do you?
I just came back from spending a week at the Amtrak wreck site. I had two major CH's while working down there. I was in terrible pain, but when I turned around and saw the car that the people died in, in flames and agony, I felt my pain wasn't all that bad. I was going to live, no matter what the pain that I had.
That's the secret Brianj, the pain does end, you go on living, you make a better life for yourself. We all suffer through pain that is unimaginable to non-CH'ers. We can deal with it, we all live through it. We are all stronger than they are, we can put up with pain that they can only try to imagine.
Stay with us buddy, there's power in numbers. Each CH'er that signs on to this site gives all of us more power to fight this demon. YOU may be the one that someday finds a treatment or cure to stop the pain for all of us! We need you, we're here for you.
e-mail me anytime.
Verne