Posted by Ted (205.188.193.178) on November 16, 2000 at 10:17:40:
In Reply to: Trans-National Humour (an outsider's view) :-) posted by Chris UK on November 16, 2000 at 04:31:31:
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
"In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,effective today."
In light of your failure to find a king of England to coronate out of the choice of only one one you have, we hereby request you see if you can do any better trying to revoke our independence this time.
"Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed."
You will only get Utah without a fight.
"To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium" . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels."
1. You should look up "Dem's-a-fightin'-words" in the Webster Dictionary, the dictionary that is the primary source of correct English usage as it is US English-based. Then look up most any word with an "o" in the middle of it and notice that the "silent u" is serving no purpose but to show how them-thar across the pond adds too many extras in things that detract, rather than add, to an items worth (also can be noticed in your cuisine).
"Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed" .
"2. There is no such thing as "US English" . We will let Microsoft know on your behalf."
2. And to the victors go the spoils. Including the language. Y'all are just lucky we haven't forced correct English on you... YET.
"3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard."
3. Why?
"4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys."
4. London will occassionally be required to acknowledge that without the good guys, when JFK went to West Germany and said "I am a Berliner" you all would have had to respond by saying "Us too."
"5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through."
5.) You should learn and accept the Sex Pistols version as the more accurate version.
"6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football,> but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005."
6. Do we get to keep our Budweiser reptile commercials?"
"7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for "shit"."
8. You should stop asking us to fight your battles for you when you know your military is too weak to handle the job.
"8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day."
8. Will we still get out Budweiser reptile commercials?
"9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean."
9. All English cars will have to be made available for sale. It's technology that's been available for a century now. You have to have at least one scientist/engineer who can figure out how to to design one. Or at least read the plans of how to make one and pretend you designed one. We can design a new version of the lend/lease act for you to have such designs if you'd like.
"10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy."
10. Oliver Stone
Thank you for your cooperation.