Posted by Ted (205.188.193.172) on September 25, 2000 at 15:34:31:
the Adventures of
MARTIN
LUTHER
in
Reform-O-Scope
presented by
The Protestant Film Marketing Board
in association with
Sol. C. Ziegler, Andy Rotbeiner
and the people of Beirut
GERMANY
in the grip of the 16th century
An exciting and controversial examination of the Protestant
reformer whose re-assessment of the role of the individual in
Christian belief shook the foundations of a post-feudal Germany in
the grip of the sixteenth century.
It was a day much like any other in the quiet little town of
Wittenberg. Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal when
the full force of the Reformation struck.
[A woman and two rather plain daughters are sitting
outside their house with bowls. A man arrives
breathless.]
Hymie: Mamie! Martin Luther's out!
[Consternation amongst the womenfolk.]
Mamie: Oh! Martin Luther!
[She hurries her daughters inside.]
Did you get the suet, Hymie?
Hymie: Oy vay - the suet I clean forgot!
Mamie: The suet you forgot!
Hymie: The lard, the fish oil, the butter fat, the dripping, the
wool grease I remember... [Hands over the shopping]... but the
suet... oy vay...
Mamie: [pointing to his head] So what'd keep up there? Adipose
tissue?
Hymie: Look out! Here he comes.
[Mamie goes inside shouting.]
Mamie: Girls, girls! Your father forgot the suet!
[Groans from the girls inside.]
[Martin Luther is at the gate. His ears prick up at the
female voices. His eyes flick from side to side.]
Hymie: Hallo Martin.
Martin Luther: Where's the john?
Hymie: We don't have one.
Martin Luther: No john? What d'you do?
Hymie: We eat fat.
Martin Luther: And that stops you going to the john?
Hymie: It's a theory.
Martin Luther: Yeah, but does it work?
Hymie: We ain't got no john.
Martin Luther: Yeah, but d'you need to go?
Hymie: You know how it is with theories - some days it's fine...
maybe one, two... three days... and then just when it looks
like you're ready for to publish... [Expression of resignation
and disgust.]... Whoosh! You need a new kitchen floor.
Martin Luther: Oh you should be so lucky!
[A girl's laugh from inside. Martin Luther looks up -
alert.]
Martin Luther: D'you need any cleaning inside?
Hymie: Oh no... today it's all going fine.
Martin Luther: Oh well, how's about showing me the cutlery?
Hymie: Martin - I got a woman and children in there.
Martin Luther: So there's no problem... I just look at a few
spoons... and...
[Martin Luther starts to go in. Hymie stops him.]
Hymie: I got two girls in there, Martin... you know what I mean.
Martin Luther: Honest! I don't look at your girls! I don't even
think about them! There! I put them out of my mind! Their
arms, their necks... their little legs... and bosoms... I
*wipe* from my mind.
Hymie: You just want to see spoons?
Martin Luther: My life! That's what I want to see.
Hymie: I know I'm going to regret this.
Martin Luther: No, listen! Cutlery is really my thing now. Girls
with round breasts is over for me.
Hymie: What am I doing? I know what's going to happen.
Martin Luther: I'll crouch behind you.
[He goes in. Martin Luther follows, crouching.]
Hymie: Mamie! Guess who's come to see us!
Mamie: Hymie! Are you out of your mind already? You know how old
your daughters are?
Hymie: He only wants to see the spoons.
Mamie: What you have to bring him into my house for?
Hymie: Mamie, he doesn't even think about girls any more.
Martin Luther: Mrs Meyer - as far as girls is concerned, I shot my
wad!
Mamie: You shot your *wad*?
Martin Luther: Def - in - ately...
[Pause.]
Mamie: Which spoons you wanna view?
Martin Luther: Eh... [shrugs]... I guess the soup spoons...
Mamie: [suddenly interested] Ah! Now they're good spoons.
Martin Luther: You got them arranged?
Mamie: No, but I could arrange them for you.
Martin Luther: Don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs Meyer.
Mamie: It's no bother... I want for you to see those spoons like I
would want to see them myself.
Martin Luther: Oh you're too kind, Mrs Meyer... You could get your
daughters to show me them...
Mamie: Hymie get him out of here.
Hymie: Mamie, he only said for Myrtle and Audrey to show him the
*spoons*.
Mamie: Like you think I run some kind of bordello here...
Martin Luther: Mrs Meyer! How can you say such a thing?
Mamie: Listen Martin Luther! I know what you want to do with my
girls!
Martin Luther: Show me the spoons...
Mamie: You want for them to pull up their shirts and then lean over
the chair with their legs apart...
Hymie: Mamie don't get excited...
Mamie: I'm getting excited? It's him that's getting excited!
Martin Luther: My mind is on the spoons.
Mamie: But you can't stop thinking of those little girls over the
chairs.
[Luther is struggling with himself.]
Hymie: I got to go to the bathroom.
Mamie: [grabs him] Hymie! I'm a married woman!
Hymie: So... just show him the spoons.
[Hymie goes.]
Mamie: And you don't want to put nothing up me?
Martin Luther: Mrs Meyer - you read my mind.
Mamie: Oh...
[They go out discreetly.]
But despite the efforts of Protestants to promote the idea of sex
for pleasure, children continued to multiply everywhere.