Posted by Nancy (216.236.5.58) on August 30, 2000 at 14:20:23:
Sounds like this board once in awhile?? LOL
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols . . .feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . . .you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, and drinking during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else package everything for take-home in
little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the rest rooms. Did I miss anything?
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. What do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving
turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but
you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
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FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
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SOUTHERN HOROSCOPES
It has become pretty obvious to Southerners that present astrological signs have served their purpose and should now be abolished. Present astrological signs are just too obscure. Crabs are only seen on
vacation, lions at the zoo, scorpions in the desert, archers at the Olympics, and really, there aren't many water-bearers to speak of. What we need now is some relevance, things we can recognize up there in the
night sky.
Presenting the Southern horoscope:
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside.
Okrans have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLINS (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A Chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful.
Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're dissatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. You probably need to get out more. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might
be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, you tend to have a "don't bother" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - Jun 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room.
You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very good heads.
COLLARDS (Jun 22-Jul 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They have a zest for life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (Jul 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the
clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sep 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere
they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sep 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably
affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be
sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can
sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with
today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo.
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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it,
it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance
in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question:
What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
They were M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
(What were you thinking? )
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Just dropped in for a visit...now smile and lighten up,
Nancy