Posted by Jackie M. on February 03, 1999 at 14:17:57:
In Reply to: An Apology posted by Anonymous on February 03, 1999 at 10:05:58:
Dear Annon,
Having read your post I feel compelled to ask that you forgive my previous post. I'm afraid that I've become conditioned to click into the defensive mode from many years of being placated, suspected, accused, or relegated to the hypo or psycho division. It is for me, the worst part of the cluster nightmare.
I can relate to those suicidal feelings. I've had them for over 20 years, yet never followed through on the wish to end the agony. Just this past weekend, inbetween the vicious attacks, I speculated about how I could get a garden hose attached to the muffler pipe of my car and rig up an easy end to the pain. But I always end up thinking about my family and the cluster free days I have to look forward to, and never follow through on the morbid thoughts. For me however, the suicidal thoughts are not brought on merely by the chronic, excrutiating pain. The thought to end, is the thought to end the years of having lost jobs to clusters, to end the humiliating skepticism of others, to end the revolving door of
new medications and hopes of relief quickly dashed, to end having to cancel out of family gatherings, to end the power the clusters take in my life, and lastly to end the horrific pain.
So please except *my* apology, for misunderstanding the intent of your original post. I certainly wouldn't want to add to the already abundant strain of miseries cluster h/a sufferers have to bare. I would only suggest to you that here, you are among people who do understand and care, and that you should not feel the need to post annonomously.
All my best to you,
Jackie M.