Posted by Nancy (198.247.6.96) on October 16, 1999 at 12:07:43:
For Immediate Release:
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The Office of Personnel Management for the federal government today announced the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees.
There will be two less holidays in D.C. next year.
Halloween and Thanksgiving have been cancelled.
The witch is moving to New York and she is taking the turkey with her.
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For Cathy our playground teacher
One day the first grade teacher was reading
the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first
pig was trying to accumulate building materials for his
home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know...he
said................
'Holy Sh**!!!!!!! A talking pig!'" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg,you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives
another parcel and a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald
head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a third note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple!"
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me to." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll
be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his
crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side. She loosened his pants and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then
asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
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A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor:
If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and
throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world,'d take it all and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"
The preacher sat down.
The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced:
"For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, 'Shall we
gather at the river.'"
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An Aggie and a Texas grad applied for the same engineering job.
Since both applicants had the same qualifications, the department manager asked them to take a test. Both men missed only one question. The manager then said to the Aggie, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other guy.
The Aggie demanded to know why, saying "We each got the same 9 questions right?"
The manager said, "Well, we made our decision not on the correct answers, but on your answers to the one you missed."
The Aggie asked "How can one person's incorrect answer be better than another's?"
The manager replied, "That's simple. You see, on question number 5 the Texas grad put down 'I don't know.' But you wrote, "Neither do I.'
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Psychiatry graduates from various colleges were attending a symposium on emotional extremes.
"Somebody give me the opposite of joy," said the professor as he began the opening session. A graduate from the University of Houston answered, "Sadness."
"And the opposite of depression would be...?" A young lady from Baylor raised her hand and said, "Elation."
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "what would be the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie thought for a second and then replied, "Giddy-up."
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A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired", attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!" --------------------
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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That`s not what I meant, but she`s right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter `T`?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard fora minute and finally admitted, "I don`t know."
"Well, why don`t you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I`m already working on a murder case!"
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A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hailstorm.
Huge hailstones the size of golf balls pelted her car
leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that
it would cost at least $4000 to repair.
She said that was too much and wasn't there some other
way to fix it.
The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out."
She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.
"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst
and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.
"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.
"Why not?" asked the first blonde.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first!"
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A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama
goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says,
"Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries".
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Billy Bob died 1983 Pick-up for sale'.
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A young man wished to purchase a birthday present for his sweetheart, and, after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the ready-to-wear shop and bought a pair of white gloves. His sister bought a pair of panties. In delivery the packages got mixed up; his sister got the gloves and his sweetheart got the pair of panties. Without examining the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note attached:
Dearest darling,
This is a birthday gift to show you that I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she said that the short ones are more in fashion and would be easier to remove. These are in a
delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the saleslady try
them on and she really looked smart. Now, I wish I could put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with
them before I have the chance to see them again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and will wear them Friday night.
All my love---
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss the back of them during the coming year. The latest style is to wear them unbuttoned and hanging down.
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Hugs and a smile,
Nancy