Posted by Lars (192.129.55.183) on September 26, 1999 at 19:21:58:
Hi family,
nothing went ok for me today, so I was in a bad mood today.
I did a stupid thing (actually two things!):
First I started with opening a bottle of wine (a good one that one was).
But as you know, never drink alone. But I did so. I was in a quite unstable phase
at that time already and short from going balistic today.
So I had a glass of wine and then another one and since I haven't been drinking much
alcohol in the last weeks, it did quite get to me. And so I sat here by myself, my friends
already asleep, because they have to go to work tomorrow and I am still on a sick note from
my doctor for some days. I somehow slipped into a quite aggressive phase and had no one to talk
to about my feelings and now comes the worst I did today (please send me an e-mail how stupid I am!):
I smoked a cigarette.
Ok, I felt quite cheesey afterwards. After drinking the wine and smoking a cigarette I had to dash for the
bathroom......
But what really makes me mad is not, that I had a cigarette and some wine and had to throw up, it is the
stupidity that comes with this!
Normally I should be so glad to be in remission finally and I should enjoy the time, but I felt so alone, that
I took the drink. Since I had some problems the whole day with my other computer I was in a very angry mood already
and it got worse from hour to hour. No one to talk to so I got aggressive against myself.
I know this has nothing to do with CH, but right now I feel so lonely and had to talk to my family here. I hope you do not
mind my venting.
Since I felt so sick after the cigarette, I will try to avoid this addiction again. Still feeling sick from it.
I only hope this won't give me an attack tonight, although I guess I would deserve it.
Sorry for this "off-topic" talking, but you are family for me and often the only ones to talk to for me.
Wishing you better days than I had today and painfree times,
Lars