Posted by Todd (63.10.27.65) on July 16, 1999 at 01:28:39:
It's 1 am. Not having a visit from the demon (thankfully) but feel him lurking in the background. My cycle ended about 3 wks ago. Nite before last I got cocky and had a couple of drinks. Very little sleep. Got up y'day and got in the car to drive 150 miles. Guess who showed up 1/2 there? And on the 'wrong' side. Neither has ever happened before. Got through it, chilled out, and figured/hoped/prayed it was just one of the demon's anomalies-he does so love to play tricks.
Then tonite I got a call from my wife. Not a good conversation. Just as I always hold out hope during a cycle that the most recent dance was the last, I've held out hope that we might work things out. The convo tonite didn't exactly reinforce that hope.
So, here I am again. Up way past any reasonable hour, knowing I'll feel like crap at work tomorrow, and yet still drawn to this place. Reading posts, reminding myself that so many have more difficult challenges than I. Taking strength in the compassion, concern, support and love that so many offer to those so much in need. This place is causing serious problems for my normally cynical nature.
Forgive me for consuming board space on this. And please don't exacerbate the situation by posting replies. Sometimes you just need to vent. After years of pacing, pounding, cursing and kicking, it feels good to have a place to do that.
T